Coitalmania: Unholy Rumble
by Quillon42
Summary: A most perditious pay-per-view involving the characters from Castlevania: Judgment channeling various WWF/WWE Superstars, mostly from the Attitude Era. Completed as of now though subject to minor edits.
1. Chapter 1

Note: I'm just getting back into watching pro wrestling after having watched in in 1999/2000/2001…as such, this will involve mostly wrestling personas from during or around that time. There may be a couple of references to much more recent happenings as well (see Alucard's spiel for example). I'm not trying to be a "Nostalgiafag" in setting this mainly in the Attitude Era (or slightly before or after)…it's just that, at least by default, that's the time of wrestling I know best.

Also, Please Note that there is NOT a one-to-one correspondence between Castle characters and WWF/WWE ones…many Castlers will have catch phrases or nicknames for more than one wrestling persona and such. There will be a Key/Legend/Whatever at the end of the last part (to be released soon) telling you who is supposed to be whom. Hope you all enjoy this one.

COITALMANIA: UNHOLY RUMBLE

By Quillon42

PART ONE

Aeon: We're here at the TransylVenue Stadium in Ghulash, Romania for what is going to be the most heart-stopping, perineum-pounding event of the entire year!

Cornell: Of course! Made even more intimately stimulating because _I'm_ right here in the flesh for you idiots, front and center of it all!

Aeon: It's another Wrestling Facepalmers' Fuckfestation production! Reporting to you here live from ringside at the Unsacred Circle, I'm Big Time Erotic Aeon…

Cornell: …And I'm Corny "The Canine" Howler…

Aeon: And this is Unholy Rumble 2018!

Cornell: Uh-oh, it's trouble here already as the Umpire of the Expired is stepping into the ring!

Aeon: Gawd Almighty, here's the Officiator of the Finished, none other than Death himself!

Death: The following is scheduled for over a dozen falls. Victory to be determined for consenter by way of pinfall after a three-count, by fuckfall after a thirty-count, or by elimination otherwise via propelling the opponent over the top rope. Last to remain in consention will be the winner…

Aeon: That's right, folks! Consenters will enter the ring tonight one by one, with the last person standing to be declared the winner of the Rumble!

Cornell: And what does that get the champion of this evening's event, EA?

Aeon: The final consenter will get a title shot at this year's Coitalmania Main Event with the WFF

Champion, the man himself, the Trite Rapper Johannes Cenuinanus!

Cornell: Well hang onto your fangs because here comes the first of our consenting contestants…

 _[Theme Plays: THUMP THUMP THUMP, THUMP-THUMP-THUMP, THUMP THUMP, THUMP-THUMP]_

 _[DANNA DANNA DANNA, DA-DA, DANNA DANNA DANNA, DA-DA]_

[Alucard enters as first consenter]

Aeon: Here's Allez Vous Cardy, the son of the Prince of Darkness—who himself may deign to grace us with his preternatural presence tonight…

Cornell: Yep, here is one half of the former tag team the Cardy Boyz entering with their theme playing in the background, even though the pair split just a couple of tapings ago!

[Alucard jumps up on one of the ropes and gives a jaunty bow to the audience, which consists of mostly Zombies and some Mermen here and there]

Aeon: Yessir, Allez took it rather badly when he caught his partner in bed with Al's mother Lisa…to think that the three even once competed as a trio here in the ring only so many centuries ago!

Cornell: Hey, check out that sideways brown stripe of hair right above Allez's forehead; goes against his otherwise lily-white locks! What d'you suppose that's about?

Aeon: Search me, Canine! …Well, actually come to think of it, some other time I've seen…

[BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM]

Cornell: Ahh, forget it for now—with a burst of petulant pyrotechnics comes the other Cardy Boy now, who's distanced himself from Allez Vous as much as possible since they broke up! Now he goes by HBD…the HeartBroken Dipshit!

[Eric LeCarde jukes on in; this is the grown-up Bloodlines version of him, but given his perpetual prepubescence there is no discernible difference made from Judgment anyway]

Eric LeCarde Theme: [ _DUM DUM DUM DUM ("Aaargh!")_

 _DUM DUM DUM ("Eggghh!")_

 _DUM DUM DUM ("Ewwwww!")]_

 _I think I'm a-DOUCHE!_

 _I_ _ **know**_ _I'm sucksy!_

 _I'm quite the tool,_

 _Who drives all the girls to hide_

 _I've got cheap moves,_

 _Yet never win bouts,_

 _I bring the cringes_

 _Up and down the Rift of Time_

 _I'm just a sucksy boy (Suck-sy Boooooyyyyy)_

 _I'm such a soy boy (Soooooyyyyy Boooooyyyyy)_

 _I'm just a sucksy boy (Suck-sy Boooooyyyyy)_

 _I'm such a soy boy (Soooooyyyyy Boooooyyyyy)_

 _[More pyrotechnics go off over LeCarde's head as he flexes his noodly arms in what appears to be a defecating sort of squat]_

Aeon: And still the fireworks go off too high above him…

Cornell: I know! Someday they'll make them detonate close enough to his head, and finally put us all out of our misery. Hey, speaking of heads, EA…remember when Allez had that shtick when he was Alucard Snowscalp and he tag teamed with his Father, back when Dracks had his original look going with the portable cranium and all…old Al would go around, _"What does everybody want?!"_ and go and shake his Dad's head all over the place; it was great!

Aeon: I have been trying to block that out of my memory ever since. On that note, let's cotton to the commencement of our main event for tonight!

[DING! DING!]

Aeon: And it's on! The two are locking up right away, the tension so palpable you can pin it down with the utterly oakiest of stakes!

Cornell: And it's the stakes the matter, EA, with the prize for the winner more valuable than a mood crystal that'd let you see invisible platforms, drain Lake Yuba, _and_ whisk you past Deborah Cliff!

Aeon: And I thought I was always an uber geek…anyway, it's LeCarde reaching down now, then lifting

Allez into the air and then down again for an Inverted Atomic Drop!

Cornell: I'm sure that's along the lines of the same kind of up-and-down action HBD gave Al's mother!

Aeon: It's as if Allez heard you, my bastardly barking buddy! Now he's grabbed LeCarde from behind, arms around his neck and pulling down for a Sleeper Mat Slam!

Cornell: The Dipshit's writhing on the mat now; to think only seconds into the match and he's already gassed! That's what a skinny stringbean creampuff constitution will do to you!

Aeon: OH but don't count eem out yet, Canine! He just moved in and took Allez Vous down with a

Sweet Shit Music kick to the chin!

Cornell: And now it's Al down and counting the braziers lighting the top of the stadium unfortunately…with LeCarde now climbing the turnbuckle…he's gonna do his Diving Elbow Douchedrop!

Aeon: I cain't look…

…but wait! In the time it took for HBD to climb the corner of the ring, Al has rolled across it to meet him there!

Cornell: He's trying to pull the Heartbroken One off the turnbuckle! AAAAAH!

Aeon: But Lisa's lover is holding onto it for dear life…

…setting it up for Al to lift him horizontally into the air then down again for an Allez Oop Bomb!

And the Voivode of Vous is not just going to let LeCarde lie there! He's picking him up by the Drac-drained ankle, and he's whirling him around and around, culminating with tossing LeCarde head first over the top rope and out of the ring!

[DING! DING!]

Cornell: And that's our first elimination! The Dipshit is done for!

Aeon: Here comes Allez now itching for the frisicklephone, that invention that Uncle Grant came up with when he hollowed out one of Death's flying tri-frisbee-like sickles and made it into a mike with addition of some gears from the cantankerous and trepidatious Clock Tower of Untimely Death!

Cornell: Shh, EA! He's gonna speak his piece into that selfsame frike right now…

Alucard: AHH HA HA HA HA HA HA…YESSSSS! For CENTURIES now I have traveled forward and backward through various iterations of civili _zation!_ I have peered out the citadel window with Elizabeth Bartley…held a symposium of _spell_ craft with Charlotte Aulin…and charmed the venomous tresses of Me _du_ sa! But there is only one woman with whom I wish to cavort now…one whom has heretofore rendered my heart ever _sta_ ken! If she believes herself able to stymie me with her woeful wiles now, however, she will find herself… _misss_ taken!

 _[Theme Plays: WHHHOOOOOWWWWW! THWACK! DANNN! WHHOWWW, WHHOWW…]_

Cornell: Look out, EA! It's our next consenter, and she looks none too pleased to be called out like this…

Aeon: Yeah, she looks fit to drop a Byakko Bomb on Allez; he'd better be careful!

Maria: In all of my twentysome years, Al, I have never heard anything quite so pathetic as what you're puttering out so putridly right now. [She puts aside her own frike and steps into the ring]

Aeon: That's right, all lamias and fleamen watching at home! Please be advised that Reckoning Maria

Renard here is in her _twenties_ , as was the case with Eric…she's of age, so please don't call the Spear Guards on us and such!

Cornell: Check it out, Big Time! What's Ria doing with her prim and proper ladies' jacket she has on…AAAAAH! She's taking it off…Hooray! PUMPKINS!

Aeon: With nothing on them save for beige splotches where the stems should be, Canine! Wonder what that's all about!

Cornell: You sure are fixated on brown things this evening, my ever eager near albino! When it comes to the pair of pumpkins Maria has, I'm focusing more on the pulp than the stems!

Maria: Don't worry, Allez…it's just some beef curry…you know, like the kind you and I used to have all those nights in the Castle…

…though I have to say that… _your father_ …has been looking to go and foist some other chocolate-colored substances on my chest of late…

Aeon: Gawd in Heaven! The Draccinator certainly has a poor sense of taste, I'll say that!

Cornell: Oh, I don't know, EA! He seems to have an incredible palate for things like this, if you ask me!

Aeon: But this is enough to send Allez into a frenzy! He's coming at her now at a full charge…

Cornell: And she knocks him right down to the mat with an Angry Woman's Clothesline! Now he's getting up shakily onto his feet again…

Aeon: She's grabbing him from behind with her curried cultivars! Maria's pulling a French Boobplex, her finessed funbags flipping Allez oopsily over and back again to the mat!

Cornell: And now she's picking him up again and turning him around for another such Boobplex!

Again Al goes down! And now…AAAAAH! She's doing it again! And again! And again!

Aeon: Good Gawd! She's a veritable Human Boobplex Machine, Canine! Now she's undoing her undergarments as well!

Cornell: She's going for the intimate pindown, EA! The Death Ref's coming to bang the mat with his scythe while Maria mounts and bangs the verminous Vous! Remember, it's a thirty count!

[SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK]

Zombies (as this is going on): ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE (etc)…

[SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK]

Aeon: And Allez kicks out of the SNNHICKKKs at sixteen!

Cornell: I suppose you could say SNNHICKKKsteen, Big Time! And man oh man, talk about the most insidious of interruptus!

Aeon: But Al looks very shaky now, my Legacy Lycanthrope…and now Maria, grabbing hold of Allez once more with her ravishing Renard roundabouts! She's pulling a devastating Belly to Back Boobplex on eem…and another! And another!

Cornell: He must really be out of it by now! She's pressing, er…grinding the advantage all over him!

[SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK,

Zombies (as this is going on): ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE (etc)…

[SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, [SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK,

[SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK]

[DING! DING!]

Aeon: And Allez Vous Cardy has been eliminated from competition!

Alucard: Naaaaa…Naaaaa…

…Nard…And…Card…

Cornell: Maria looks furious, EA!

Aeon: She's pointing to the Apron of the Abyss, telling Al to get out of damn dodge!

Cornell: He's still whining about the tag team they used to have—The Nard And Card Connection…

Aeon: Just like all that hullaballoo Allez was going on about, what with Medusa and such…that's all ancient history, unfortunately for him!

Cornell: Look at him now! Cowering in the corner as she's coming for him…now he's jumping up and over the top rope, out of the ring! Ha, ha! He wants to make extra sure he's been eliminated, after seeing how miffed Maria is!

Aeon: Now Renard is in the ring alone…and who's the next comer, the next consenter to challenge?...

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. Chapter 2

COITALMANIA: UNHOLY RUMBLE

By Quillon42

PART TWO

Aeon: Now Reckoning Maria Renard's just wandering and wondering all around the ring; who's gonna be next on her list…

[Then Suddenly New Theme Plays: "My Time" from Attitude Era:

" _One, Two, Is this on? Ha…" DADOO DADOO DADOO DADOO DADOO DADOO…_ ]

Cornell: Uh oh, EA; looks like it's Game Time up here in the 'Venue!

[Now Trevor Belmont emerges with Sypha Belnades holding his hand; Trevor lifts an Unsacred Water bottle to his lips and takes a long swig…then he puffs out the contents up above his head in continual vapors, tossing the bottle aside afterwards]

Aeon: You got that right, my wolfen warlord! Coming into the circle now is none other than the Carotid

Assassin himself, Triple Shot Trevor…accompanied by his wife and the future head of the WFF,

Syphany McMagic!

Cornell: The Reckoness is gonna wish now that she just stayed at home in her village, all on her lonesome and playing with her pumpkins!

Aeon: Really you need to consider seeing someone for your fixations, Canine…someone professional, perhaps like an Isaac Yankem sort of specialist for the brain!

And Maria wastes no time in attacking Trevor once the Motion Control Game gets on the mat! Yet Trev is blocking all her flails and assails and countering with blows of his own! Now he's picking her up and coming down with a nasty…Backbreaker hard to the mat!

Cornell: And down she flops, EA! Trevor's not letting up, as he bounces off the ropes and comes in…down with a Jumping Knee Drop before she can recover!

Syphany: Yeah, go, Trevor! Keep it up!

Aeon: And Syphany McMagic is shouting encouragement to her husband as he continues to bring the pain all on now for the Empress of the Elements!

Cornell: Maria's looking as if she wants to join all those Japanese gods she summons…maybe if she's bound for some deific communion with them, this is for the best!

Aeon: Don't count her out of the Castle clash just yet, Canine! Ria's rolling over, reaching for her pole in an awesomely audacious attempt to get to her feet…

Cornell: But…OHH! Syphany strikes from behind with a flash of fire to stagger the girl back to the floor!

That Madame McMagic's always so quick and keen to defend her husband, EA!

Aeon: Yeah…and equally quick and keen to offend everyone else! Here comes Triple Trev seemingly to assist Reckoning Ria to her feet once more now…

…and yet…NO! He's got her head between his legs to set up for his finisher, the Trevigree!

Cornell: There he is, leaping up a second to come down…hard to the canvas again!

Aeon: And Maria's just lying there, looking up at that silvery full moon and not moving otherwise…this might just be the last summoning for the Seasonal Animal that is Maria Renard!

[Theme Plays: "WHHHEEEEEAAAAAAYYYYYLLLLL, IT'S THE IG SHOW!"]

Cornell: Well, maybe here comes some hope for the Climax of Climate! Now it's Iron Gladiator's turn to enter, or the Ig Show as he likes to be called of late…

Aeon: Yep, this medieval midlevel boss is coming into the ring once again with his iron spiked ball hand, swinging it around vigorously as always upon entering the ring…

Cornell: And as usual, he slaps it down hard, Open Ball Chop right onto the chest of Trevor! The Assassin

slobbers on down as it looks as if Reckoning Renard is once again getting back up!

Aeon: And a Side Kick from Ig Show to Syphany as she tries to conjure and conquer with her scepter!

Cornell: Here comes Maria once again, looking to get back now at Triple Shot Trevor…

Aeon: But…ALJIBA ALMIGHTY! The Show strikes out with one of his Weapon of Mass Exorcism Punches, abruptly ducked by Trevor and finding a target in the face of Renard!

Cornell: She's gonna be definitely meeting those deities very soon, EA! And Syphany now, once more this time with the lightning, flooring Show with a brazen bolt!

Aeon: Show's certainly in trouble now…but what is this here? Trevor, turning his attention to Maria once more, looking as if he's gonna eliminate her right now!

Cornell: He's gonna go and collapse his castle into her grounds, EA! Just like at the end of adventures on the part of so many pseudo-holy heroes over the years, the Vampire Killer is about to go missionary, his spire about to sink into some very sacred ground! Death's coming around as usual to count it on out!

Maria: That's it, Trevor! Bring it on! I ain't afraid…

[GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING…]

Aeon: And Syphany's looking on impassively, knowing Trevor's doing this all for the good of the

Belmont-Belnades Faction…

[GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING…]

Cornell: I don't know, EA! Sypha doesn't look too happy to me! Looks in fact as if Triple Shot's gonna have to be in the doghouse, or wolfhouse from where I'm from, for some while!

[GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING, GUMMAJING]

[DING! DING! DING!]

Aeon: And Maria Renard is now eliminated from the competition as well!

What's this now?! Trevor and Syphany have their other opponent where they want eem, and yet they're taking time to get on the frike…

Trevor: Ig Show…you should consider yourself lucky…if Syph and I didn't have bigger plans for you…I suppose it would be "igger" plans in your case…you would be sixty feet under at the moment.

Fact is…Sypha and I need you…need your soul, as enormous as it is really…for the sacrifice that's about to take place for the betterment of all of Transylvania…

Cornell: Sacrifice?! Betterment of all of Transylvania?! What?!

Aeon: Triple Shot's going to the corner…coming back now with a Cyclops Hammer!

Trevor: As sure as heroes band in kliqs,

And the clock of Aeon steadily ticks,

And wrasslin matches sure are fixed…

There is need for good and bad to mix,

Thus no way the world could ever nix,

The Total Terror of Trevor 666.

Cornell: Trevor 666?! AAAAAH!

Aeon: DAMN IT! What the HAILL is goin' on?! Is Triple Shot really gonna sacrifice the Ig Show with that

Cychammer, with nothin' here that anyone can do about it?!

Trevor:…Know this, Show, that you are in good hands with me…the Carotid Assassin…the Wii Motion

Control Video Game…in terms of what is about to go down…

…I can't say this won't hurt, Show…but just rest assured that the contribution of your bodily constitution will not be forgotten…

[Trevor raises the Cychammer high…]

…

…

…

[CRAAASSSSSSHHHHHHHHH]

[BUM BUM, BUM BAAAAA BUM BUM] [THWAP, THWAP]

Aeon: Oh Mah Gawd! It's…

[BUM BUM, BUM BAAAAA BUM BUM] [THWAP, THWAP]

Aeon: It's Chrome Golem Steel Frankenstein!

Cornell: And he's coming down to the ring with a folding stair! AAAAAH!

Aeon: Death rushes out of the ring to meet him…

[SMACCCKKK]

Aeon: With a strike to the head by the foldable staircase, down goes the Death Ref!

Cornell: He's getting in the ring now! Trevor's running up…

[SMACCCKKK]

Aeon: And down goes Triple Shot Trevor, another shot to the head by the folding stair! Syphany's coming forward…

[SMACCCKKK]

Aeon: And another! Down goes Syphany as well! Gawd Almighty! Behold all of the carnage! All the waste that has been lain by the Amalgamation of Annihilation!

Cornell: This is just like when Austin broke in during the main event at Backlash 2000, chair…er, stair and all…? Well, close enough! Trevor's been helping Richter since Rick turned heel, trying to bring Hell to our plane of existence…but you know when you hear the sound of breaking stain glass and whipped candles that all Hell's gonna break loose right here in this very ring!

Aeon: Now Golem's approaching Trevor and stomping a swamp-hole in him in the corner of the ring!

Trev's getting up, then Golem's kicking him in the stomach and grabbing his head and dropping down…hitting him with the Stunner! Now with one hand Golem's tossing him over the top rope and out of the circle entirely! CHROME GOLEM! CHROME GOLEM!

Now the Transylvanian Rattlechain's taking the frike for himself…

Golem: Me heard what you've been talking, you going on and on saying your nursery rhymes, an' what you said before 'bout how you're gonna make a new Hell on Earth. You talk about you gonna be bigger than the Count. You talk about your Trevor 666.

…

 _Well Frankenstein 666 Says Me Just Chain Whipped Your Ass!_

Cornell: Oh my goodness!

Golem: This is what you get for not letting Me into the Unholy Rumble this year…and that's what you're

gonna get every time you jackasses try to start something stupid! And that's all Me got to say about that! Now Me is going back to enjoy the new soul Me found in the Time Rift…Aaaaaannd that's the bottom circle of all eternal damnation… _'Cause Chrome Golem said so._

[Golem starts to take his leave; Mermen jump out of the crowd and spit cans of motor oil at him, which he catches and guzzles down in pairs as he goes]

[CRAAASSSSSSHHHHHHHHH]

[BUM BUM, BUM BAAAAA BUM BUM] [THWAP, THWAP]

Aeon: FRANKENSTEIN! FRANKENSTEIN! FRANKENSTEIN!

Cornell: Hey, EA, you think Golem could pull off a Frankensteiner if he tried?!

Aeon: I don't know about that, Canine! He's pretty massive…

Cornell: Maybe a Frankenstunner or something, perhaps…

Aeon: Those two moves are pretty damn near impossible to combine, I would think! At any rate, Trevor is trying right now to get back into the ring, but Death won't let him! Triple Shot's protesting that Golem wasn't part of the competition, so the elimination just now shouldn't count! But the Death Ref is standing firm!

Cornell: Look what's going on in the ring as of now! Both Ig Show and Syphany are getting up very slowly…and Show's not even trying to fight her or anything! In fact, now he's getting down on one knee! Is he professing his love for her?!

Aeon: Looks as if we have all kinds of automatons airing out their feelings tonight, Canine! From

Chrome Golem going on about his soul and now this!

Cornell: Syphany seems to attract them all, too, you know…small or medium or large! What with Grant

Danasty expressing his emotions for her, and then of course Trevor…

Aeon: Well, now it looks as if Syphany is going to possibly return his affections…she approaching him with a very delicate blue rose from her wardrobe and holding it out…

Cornell: What does blue mean with roses, EA? I know that, like, yellow means friendship, and red of course means passion…

[WHACCCKKK]

Aeon: Apparently it stands for deception, Canine! The Ig Show, on the receiving end of a strike in the face with the mace of Syphany McMagic!

Cornell: Oh God…he's staggering back now…falling back towards the ropes and…AAAAAH! He's fallen over them and eliminated himself!

Aeon: That conniving minx Syphany, getting what she wants in usual fashion! And Trevor still on the apron, begging his wife to help him back into the ring…

Syphany: No, Trev…you're not getting back in here. You've crumbled your castle into the sodden soil for the last time. In fact, if you ever come anywhere near this arena again…If I ever even see you again…

If…

If…

…

…

…

Cornell: Wait, she's hesitating, EA…why's that?

Aeon: It looks as if she sees something huge on the horizon!

 _[Theme Plays: IF YA SMELL…WHAT THE HOCK…IS COOKING]_

 _[DANNA…DAH-NAH…DANNA…[The Hock Says] DAH-NAH…[The Hock Says] DANNA [The Hock Says]…]_

Cornell: The supernatural surprises never ever stop! It's The Hock!

Aeon: Here he is, the Minotaur of Muscle making his way to the ring with his constant stone column in hand! What is his business here? He's so big now that he's beyond tournaments like this!

[Minotaur stands at the side of the ring and acts as if to smell the air around]

Zombies: HOCKY! HOCKY! HOCKY! HOCKY! HOCKY! HOCKY! HOCKY! HOCKY! HOCKY! HOCKY!...

[He takes the frike from Death]

Minotaur:…

…

FFFFFINALLY, THE HOCK, HAS COME BACK, TO TRANSSSYLLLVANNNIA.

SYPHANY MCMAGIC…The Hock has just sensed that you just rejected my friend the Ig Show in the worst way imaginable. That and what you were trying to pull with that Souvlaki who is your husband, Trevor Belmont…It's enough to make The Hock come back from making his sequel to Rampage, being the oversized Drachma Bull that The Hock is, and swing on by the Venue. You want to try something like what you just did with Show on The Hock, you want to take on The Hock with your mystic mishmash, you want to run your purty little mouth and…conjure whatever…incantations you reckon'll work against The Hock, you just go on and try. But whatever you are bringing, landslides and floods, lightning and wind, fire and ice, farts from your ass IT DOESN'T MATTER what you bring…!

Cornell: Farts from your ass! HA!

Aeon: Yeah, it makes sense that would be the one thing _you_ would get out of all of this, EA!

Minotaur: Whip out all those magic tricks of yours now… _turn_ those tricks, if you will…the Hock will still

nonetheless take that magical mace of yours, or better yet he will take this stone column Hock has in his insanely manly minotaurly hands, he'll turn a trick of his own in taking this column, _turning this masonic sumbitch sideways, and sticking it straight up,_ _YOUR CANNN-DY ASS!_

Zombies: YEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Minotaur: Now if you'll excuse The Hock, The Hock's gotta take on the final boss of this whole

Federation, one who has almost the same stature as The Hock…not so much the Time Reaper, as is rather the Trite Rapper himself, Johannes Cenuinanus! IF YA SMELLLELLLELLLELLLOWWWWW WHAT THE HOCK…IS…COOKING.

 _[DANNA…DAH-NAH…DANNA…[The Hock Says] DAH-NAH…[The Hock Says] DANNA [The Hock Says]…]_

Aeon: Syphany's trying to rush The Hock as Hock steps not so much into the ring, but up and over it…

Cornell: She's latched onto his foot and…AAAAAH! He's carried her up and out of the ring as he's walking over and past it!

Aeon: …And it looks as if because in the process, Syphany has cleared the top rope, she's been eliminated as well here! And we are now looking at a vacant ring here, folks!

TO BE CONCLUDED


	3. Chapter 3

COITALMANIA: UNHOLY RUMBLE

By Quillon42

PART THREE

Aeon: Well, we are here now tonight by the Unsacred Circle, and we still have some consenters to come forward for the tournament, even though all so far by now have been eliminated…

 _[Theme Plays: DOOOOOMMMMM…CRASSSHHH…DOOOOOMMMMM…]_

[Appearing out of thin air is the evil one of the evening himself, the Prince of Darkness Dracula]

Cornell: Oh no, EA! Looks like it's the beginning of the end with the Undeadmaker entering in!

[Dracula looks to Death and nods, and begins to float around the ring very pompously]

Aeon: It's good to see him back as the Prince of Darkness, as the Phan-Tom, you know?

Cornell: Yeah…just like not everyone enjoyed Mark Calaway on a motorcycle…this here's certainly a welcome change back from the Draccer's "Amelia Fatass" phase!

Aeon: Who's gonna be first among his victims this night?

 _[Theme Plays: Don't treat me like a sister…Don't treat me like a priest…Don't you ask me to bless you…]_

Cornell: Here comes the Enforceress of Ecclesia, EA! It's none other than Shynoa, she who now styles herself as being basically the resident Chyna of the WFF!

[Shanoa appears and goes to the corner opposite to where Dracula is now; She climbs a turnbuckle and raises her arms to jeers from the Zombie crowd]

Aeon: Well, it sounds from the sea of inhumanity that they haven't forgotten Shanoa's earlier gimmick for sure! The whole tag team campaign with Carmilla, back when the two of them were the

Defrockers, gained a good head of steam for a time, sure…but then there was the Item Shop

Incident in which Carmy gave Shan a good Superkick out of the pairing! Shanoa then tried to continue with the concept on her own as the Def Rocker, but the fans weren't having it!

Zombies: NUN SLUT! [CLAP, CLAP] NUN SLUT! [CLAP, CLAP] NUN SLUT! [CLAP, CLAP]

NUN SLUT! [CLAP, CLAP] NUN SLUT! [CLAP, CLAP] NUN SLUT! [CLAP, CLAP]

Cornell: Yeah, they're sure not letting Shanoa live down the fact that she didn't move on with things the way Carmilla did!

Aeon: I'm certain that Carms will come along sometime in the near future to drive that point home compellingly with her former tag partner!

Cornell: Looks as if the Phan-Tom's the one who's regarding Shynoa with the most disdain right now!

Aeon: He's going…OH MY now he's teleported behind Shynoa, and the Maker's going straight in as she turns around as he knocks her to the mat with a Spinning Roundhouse Kick!

Cornell: It's amazing that someone like Dracula, who's been around for centuries and centuries and has the stature of a statue in fact, can come off as so limber in the ring!

Aeon: Well, he proves it to you time and again as he's just teleported to the top of a turnbuckle, and leapt off of it, taking Shynoa down once again with a Diving Spin Kick!

Cornell: Look at him go again! He's 'ported to the middle of one of the top ropes, and now AGH! He just pulled off an Old School jump down to the mat, striking Shynoa again with a open handed chop to the face as he falls!

Aeon: Now the Undead Man is already looking to go for the jugular here, as the back of the first

Castlevania Nintendo gamepak box would proverbially say…look at eem, drawing his thumb across his throat—he's gonna take down Shynoa but good!

Cornell: She won't be Shinola after he's done with her!

Aeon: He's moving in…but what's this?! The Death Ref himself, hooking Undeadmaker with his Scythe, which he's so far used only to count out impacts of eroticism for elimination's sake!

Cornell: Death's spinning around the Maker, striking him under the chin with Throat Thrusts just like the

Undertaker's own burnt-up brother would in the WWE!

Aeon: Death and Dracks have a long, long history, just like the Taker and Kane…so it makes some sort of remote free associational sense that Death now has flung Dracula against the ropes, and has…OOF, knocked the Prince to the poopdeck with a Big Boot!

Cornell: Would it be a Big Bladed Shin in Death's case, given that he has those bizarre lower appendages that he runs on constantly?

…And have I ever spoken of the blade of an appendage that I pack, down in my…

Aeon: Yes, you have alluded to that, many times, Canine! We don't need to be reminded of that now! Death coming in with a Flying Clothesline to take the Maker down once again!...But…NO! The

Drackinator has now grabbed the Lesser Reaper by those very peculiar appendages and turned him upside down! Is the Maker…Yes he is…A Tombstone Piledriver! And Death is out of commission! He's not even moving at all! It looks as if we don't have a Referee for the time being, so what is going to happen?!

Cornell: Oh God, look and see how the Phan-Tom is looking at Shynoa once again! He's AAH!

Teleported up to her once again, right in front of her this time, and he's picking her up from the underside and taking her down in a Nail In The Coffin slam!

Aeon: I can hardly watch this now! This disgusts me! Damn it!

Cornell: I suppose it kind of checks out that Dracs would use some of the moves of Vampiro as well, given that he's a…well…you know…

Aeon: Yeah, even though Vampiro was never in the WWF or WWE or WW anything!

And now the Prince of Darkness has the nerve to cut a promo, standing right atop Shynoa!

Dracula: Come, my darling…allow me, Big Poop-Poop-Poop, to visit upon you a sensation the likes of which you will never again know upon your mortal coil…

[Dracula squats down upon Shanoa's face]

Is it me, or is it getting a bit…STEAMY…up in here?

Cornell: Poop-Poop-Poop? Sounds more like a Scott Steiner sort of name than a persona of the Taker!

Aeon: NO, MAH GAWD! He's gonna turn her! He's gonna turn Shynoa!

Dracula: Fresh from Warakiya this blessing will descend upon you…directly from my own holy entity, the descendant of the Dragon, as my name does imply…

Aeon: He's a Dung Dragon, is the Undeadmaker, that's for sure!

Cornell: WAIT A MINUTE! So…Dracs' finisher is the Steamer, which is another word for Steamship or

Steamboat…and his name derives from the Romanian word for "Dragon"…

…

…does that mean that in the WWE/WWF reality, Ricky The Dragon Steamboat is _the present-day reincarnation of Count Dracula?!_

Aeon: I don't know, Canine, but I ain't fixated on that right now, and neither is anyone else with a fraction of a brain! It looks in any case like the story for Shanoa is very quickly coming to an…

 *****NWO*****

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[WRA WRA WRA WRAAAHHHHH…WRA WRA WRA WRA WRA WRA WRAAAHHHHHH WRAAAHHHHHH…]

[First Grant Danasty creeps out from backstage all sneakily]

Aeon: I don't believe it!

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[Then Carmilla strolls in as well, she decked out in her usual reddest of robes]

[WRA WRA WRA WRAAAHHHHH…WRA WRA WRA WRA WRA WRA WRAAAHHHHHH WRAAAHHHHHH…]

[DING-A DING-DING, A-DING-A DING-DING, A-DING-A DING-DING, A-DING-A DING-DING…]

[Then Simon Belmont, with infinite confidence, at the last]

Cornell: From the look on his face, the Undeadmaker can't believe it either!

[The three stand there defiantly against Dracula with the smuggest of looks on their faces]

Aeon: It's The Nether World Order!

[A tense moment between what is going on inside the ring and who is outside of it; then…]

Dracula: YEEOOOWWW!

Cornell: OH MY! The Maker just popped up fast! Something erupted up from underneath him!

Aeon: He's grabbing at his rear end…

Dracula: I can't believe you, Shynoa!

[Looking out at the audience now]

She bit me! She bit me on the ass!

Cornell: AAAAAH!

Aeon: Mother A'Gawd!

Dracula: I don't believe one could possible resort to such…she BIT ME! I mean, who does that?! Biting someone?! It's just not done by anyone with a sense of decency! Who does she think she is, like, Mike Tys…

Aeon: What's this now! Shynoa, to her feet, cutting off the Prince midsentence with a Short Arm Lariat!

Cornell: And following up with a Swinging Neckbreaker! (How ironic of an attack here on Vlad

Dracula…at least it would be ironic against a vampire in the reader's reality, and not against this oversensitive pansy…)

Aeon: But the Draccer's coming back with a sharp hand to the neck as he PICKS UP Shynoa and crushes her down hard to the mat!

Dracula (Still rubbing at his behind): Now, my dear…where was I with our…tender tuchus treatment…

Aeon: He's gonna try for another Steamer in a second!

[Carmilla approaches the ropes now]

Cornell: Ooh, Carmilla now makes her full appearance…

…MY GOODNESS, is it ever a full appearance now! Pumpkins…and the entire patch otherwise!

[Carmilla now stands there at ringside with red cloak at her feet and nothing else on]

Aeon: And Dracula is distracted once again, the effects of Carmilla's Cloak Flash undoing those of the

Chokeslam that Draccy just perpetrated upon Shynoa!

Cornell: And now here LOOK AT SHYNOA! She's picking up the Undeadmaker and pressing him overhead for a Gorilla Press Slam! Walking him to the edge of the ring and…and OVER IT!

Zombies: NO-A! NO-A! NO-A! NO-A! NO-A! NO-A! NO-A! NO-A! NO-A! NO-A! NO-A! NO-A! NO-A!

Aeon: I don't believe it, Canine! She's done it! Shynoa's knocked Dracula out of the ring! She's eliminated the Phan-Tom! Ladies and Gentlemen, this consenter…she is not just Shanoa anymore…she's SHANOVER! BAH GAWD! SHE'S A ONE-WOMAN DUMPSTER FIRE!

Cornell: …Which makes her belong to a dumpsterical classification separate from that of every other lady in the entire Federation!

[An icy blast comes in to slap Cornell across the face]

…OWW!

Syphany: I HEARD THAT!

Aeon: The future of wrestling is no longer by nature Samoan…it is now to be _Shanoan_.

Cornell:…

…Wow.

…

…

…

…Did you really come up with those all by yourself?

Aeon:…

…

…

[Double take in sudden awe]…Look…look at you, Canine! If I can even so call you that now!

Cornell: [Feels his face] What, EA…Oh, my! I'm…I'm HUMAN again! Somehow Syphany's icy reception must have cured me! …Man, I swear, I gotta be a douchebag even more often from now on!

Aeon: [Most sarcastically] Oh, joyous day…

And look at what is going on now inside the Unsacred Circle as of now! The battle has most definitively been joined, as Simon Ashes, Daggery Danasty, and Carmilla under her new cutting gimmick as Carvery have all clambered into the ring!

Cornell: Wow, EA! Carvery's sure going straight to the point by going after Shynoa! Grabbing her by the hair and OUCHHH! chucking her to the mat with a Hair Pull Snapmare! I tell ya, I felt more pain watching that than I did being on the business end of Syphany's frosty slap just now!

Aeon: Carvery's sure going to Yomi on Shynoa now right here as we speak! Now she's standing over her

former partner in the Defrockers, and she's picking up and then pulling at her legs, arching back…and Shynoa pops up OHH and a Slingshot, propelling Noa up and into the turnbuckle!

Milla picking up Shynoa off the mat once more ONLY to drive her back down into the depths of oblivion with a Poison Carvery facebuster!

Cornell: Looks as if Milla doesn't want Shynoa to forget where she came from! But now check this out…Simon cutting into the Carvery's dance…looks like he wants some action now as well!

Aeon: Simon picking up Carvery and bringing her down on his knee with a Rib Breaker, the man apparently seeking to stock up once again on at least an _ex-_ vampire's ribs just as he did back in the Berkeley Mansion…

Cornell: But look at Carmilla now, or Carvery! She seems like she's totally getting off on all this!

Carmilla: Come on, Simon…give me a good whipping now…

Aeon: She's taunting him for sure; of course, he's being rather soft on her, not going full force, as she's his squeeze and all here…

Cornell: Of course! I think I caught a bit of him foraging through her Jam Wasteland for a couple of beats as he was setting her up for the throw just now!

Aeon: I think you've got the eye of some demonic entity, Canine, with what you believe you're seeing…but it's not the peeper of the Prince of Darkness, and you're not scoping out any crimson cluebooks now, are you?

Cornell: Carvery's on a comeback now against Simon, she wants to get at Shynoa again! Now she's kneeing her husband in the face, again and again, and driving him down against her planted knee for a Daff Knees maneuver! Guess just like as it was with the Count, it would make sense for Carmilla to crib from Daffney even though she wasn't from WWE either!

Aeon: Yeah, and especially seeing as Daffney was "Draculetta" in that godawful Wrestlicious promotion, it seems to translate pretty effectively in light of that as well here!

Cornell: Now Milla climbing onto the top turnbuckle and diving off, her scrumptious legs wrapping around Simon's neck and throwing him ass over end with a Hurricanrana!

Aeon: …

…

…She's approaching Simon now as he's cowering in the corner! Appears as if he doesn't want any more rough stuff with her tonight…but then Mah Gawd, he's thrown her into the corner, and now he's extending his leg into a Corner Foot Choke on Carvery!

Cornell: And as always, she's looking as if she's loving it!

Aeon: Simon now grabbing Milla one more time and lifting her overhead for a Cursed Village Twister!

He's spinning her around now, and throwing her out of the ring!

Cornell: How appropriate, between the Hurricane and Twister moves we've just seen given by one against the other, given the Tornado of passion that first brought these two together in a safehouse in Ondol!

Aeon: And look at this now! Simon, after eliminating Carmilla, has dived over the top rope, thus eliminating himself in the process!

Cornell: AAAAAH! He doesn't care about the competition at all here, EA! He just wants to get at

Carmilla and go for a bit of a deliberation in her Debious Woods!

Aeon: This just leaves Shynoa now, she recovering ever so steadily against Carvery Carmilla's attack, and

Daggery Danasty, who up till now has just been hunched over on a turnbuckle here, biding his time and waiting for his moment!

Cornell: Watch now as Shynoa runs across the ring, she generating glyphic illusions of polearms and performing an actual diving Spear, taking Daggery down to the mat! And Danasty now, battling back with a spinning spiked Discus Punch to make Shynoa stagger a bit!

Aeon: Daggery taking a second to watch the coital mess between Carmilla and Simon on the Apron…and now Shynoa with a Shan-O-Matic move (not to be confused with Syphany's spiritual interdimensional WWE brother Shane-O-Mac) as she now grabs Danasty's shoulders from behind and pulls him straight down to the canvas!

Cornell: Yet Grant's not grounded for long as he snaps back onto his feet before Shynoa can realize, and grabs her from behind for an abominable Abdominal Stretch! The Gal of Gylph is caught in a rack more devastating than the sumptuous double summits of Carmilla Belmont!

Aeon: Now Shanoa, or Shynoa rather, she looking as if she's about to submit even though there's no

Referee anymore to tap out to here! But then up and with another illusion as she casts out a sight of Syphany, a mirage that makes Danasty salivate for a hot second…and Shynoa breaks out of the hold and grabs at Daggery with an insane vengeance for a Downward Spiral DDT!

Cornell: And Daggery is down for only a second or so…then again pops right back up! It's like the two of them are Red Skeletons or something!

Aeon: You sure as hell said it, Canine!

Cornell: …

…Hey, you know, EA, you ever hear of that actor from the Twentieth Century, like, Red Skelton, and wonder to yourself, like, if you punched him in the face and he fell to the ground…would he gather himself mechanically off the ground like that, like three seconds later?

Aeon: I never had quite the time that you have had on your erstwhile paws…now hands once again it would look to be now…to ponder such pressing topics!

And now take a long gander at both Shynoa and Daggery, the last consenters standing in the

Unsacred Circle, they tearing at one another with such vigor that the very fabric of their getups have gotten away from them!

Cornell: It comes off to me like they're giving one another the eye now! Like they want to take a cue from Simon's and Carmilla's goings on outside the ring!

Aeon: And now it's Grant as he saunters over and grabs Shynoa, gathers her up onto his shoulders high up for the Dagger's Edge!

Cornell: But Shynoa with one more glyph as she generates a construct to connect the two of them together at the nether regions! Fitting for a founding and charter member of the Nether World

Order here, I would say!

Aeon: Gawd Hellmighty! They're now both going over the top rope together, to join the other couple in an unearthly orgy to end all orgies!

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Cornell: They've all eliminated one another! Dare I say it, EA…

IT'S A MONSTER-ALL SCREWJOB!

[WRA WRA WRA WRAAAHHHHH…WRA WRA WRA WRA WRA WRA WRAAAHHHHHH WRAAAHHHHHH…]

Aeon: In the most literal sense, Canine! Carmilla and Simon are roughing it up like never before, but with the most intense and carnal of passions here! And Shynoa and Grant are doing the same meters away! It looks like we don't have a winner for you regarding the competition tonight!

[WRA WRA WRA WRAAAHHHHH…WRA WRA WRA WRA WRA WRA WRAAAHHHHHH WRAAAHHHHHH…]

[DING-A DING-DING, A-DING-A DING-DING, A-DING-A DING-DING, A-DING-A DING-DING]

Cornell: Aww, what a scam! Well, it sure looks as if even though no one officially won, some people are certainly claiming prizes and enjoying them!

[DING-A DING-DING, A-DING-A DING-DING, A-DING-A DING-DING, A-DING-A DING-DING]

[DUM BA-BUM, BUM-BUM, BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM]

[WRA WRA WRA WRAAAHHHHH…WRA WRA WRA WRA WRA WRA WRAAAHHHHHH WRAAAHHHHHH…]

Aeon: I'm going to sign off and try to sleep this off! Good night, everybody!

Cornell: Yeah, EA…you're going to "something" off once you get home! Night!

KEY LEGEND WHATEVER (Order Of Appearance)

Aeon=("Big Tex") Jim Ross

Cornell=Jerry "The King" Lawler ( _not_ Jim Cornette despite the name)

Death=Kane

Alucard=(Broken) Matt Hardy (with reference to Al Snow also) (Theme: Hardy Boyz)

Eric LeCarde=Shawn Michaels

Maria Renard=Sable (Taz(z) Suplexes) (Theme: Sable)

Trevor Belmont=Triple H

Sypha Belnades=Stephanie McMahon

Iron Gladiator=Big Show

Golem=Stone Cold Steve Austin

Minotaur=The Rock

Time Reaper=John Cena

Shanoa=Chyna (with some Edge Moves and references as well as reference to Marty Jannetty also)

Dracula=The Undertaker (with references to Scott Steiner and Ricky Steamboat as well)

Simon Belmont=Diesel (Kevin Nash)

Grant Danasty=Razor Ramon

Carmilla=Ivory (with somewhat of the persona and moves of Daffney also)


End file.
